THE TIPPING
by Joel-Gomes
Summary: The follower to THE PET SHOP. Jerry doesn't tip a waitress and has to face the consequences of his actions. Elaine discovers that her boyfriend is a bissexual. There's a lot more happenning here but you'll only find out, if you read it. warning: should b


THE TIPPING

A Seinfeld fan fiction script 

by

Joel G. Gomes

Cell–phone number: 91 877 25 96

Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1º dto

          2835–107 Baixa da Banheira

E–mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com

             gomes_joel@hotmail.com

September 2001

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS MAKING ONE OF HIS PERFORMANCES. 

JERRY

The tip is what we use, as a customer, to show our appreciation for a good service. But, the only people that can actually afford to get a tip are the people that serve coffee and carry bags.

It's like if we're in a hospital, and we're somewhere between life and death, we don't have to tip the doctor if he saves our lives. 

In fact, if we get a transplant, we don't even have to thank the guy that gave one of his organs to us.

He's a complete stranger and he saved our lives but, unless he serves us some coffee while we're in the hospital, no way he's getting a tip.

CUT TO:

FADE IN:

INT. COFFEE SHOP. DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE SITTING ON A RED WOOD TABLE DRINKING COFFEE.

GEORGE

(CHECKING HIS POCKET) Oh no.

JERRY

What is it?

GEORGE

I forgot my wallet. Can I borrow some money from you?

JERRY

How much?

GEORGE

Just for the coffee.

JERRY

I don't know. (CHECKS HIS WALLET) Hum... Sorry. 

GEORGE

Never mind. I'll pay her tomorrow.

JERRY

I'm not sure if they'll let you pay tomorrow. 

GEORGE

Why wouldn't they? I've been coming here since Monk's closed.

JERRY

I know that, but how can they be sure that you're not leaving the country tomorrow?

GEORGE

Why would I leave the country tomorrow? If I had money to leave the country, do you think I'd come to this place? Besides, I don't think this expense will cause any bankruptcy.

JERRY

You never know what can happen in this sort of business. It's very unstable, very risky.

JERRY TAKES A NOTE FROM HIS WALLET AND PUTS IT ON THE TABLE.

GEORGE

I thought you said you didn't have enough money.

JERRY

I don't. This is for the tip. I can't lend you my tip money.

GEORGE

You won't lend me the money I need because you want to tip the waitress?

JERRY

That's right.

GEORGE

But you don't tip!

JERRY

I didn't. But that was before I realize that we get a better service here if we train the waitress to get a tip. It's kinda like a previous compensation for future services.

GEORGE

Can't you spare me your tip, just for today?

JERRY

Ah... Alright!

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE AND BEGINS TO COLECT THE CUPS.

JERRY

I'd like to pay one cake and two coffees, please.

JERRY GIVES THE NOTE TO THE WAITRESS. 

THE WAITRESS LOOKS AT THE NOTE AND THEN AT JERRY.

WAITRESS

That's it? No tip?

JERRY

Sorry...

WAITRESS

Thanks a lot!

THE WAITRESS GOES AWAY.

JERRY

Boy! She took it hard!

GEORGE

Come on! (STANDS) Let's go!

JERRY 

What's all that rush for?

GEORGE

I gotta go see Wendy.

JERRY 

Okay. (STANDS) I'm going.

JERRY AND GEORGE HEAD FOR THE DOOR. 

ELAINE ENTERS THE COFFEE-SHOP.

ELAINE

Hi! You guys leaving already?

GEORGE

I gotta go see Wendy.

ELAINE

Ah! New girlfriend?

GEORGE

Sex partner. Actually, she's my sex therapist. 

ELAINE

Oh! That will teach you something. What about you?

JERRY

I'm thinking of catching a movie or something...

ELAINE

What? You're gone leave me here all by myself?

JERRY

You're a grown woman now, Elaine; you can take care of yourself. You're not expecting us to stay here, are you? 

GEORGE

I don't think the waitress will like that.

JERRY

I don't think so either.

ELAINE

Why? What happened?

JERRY

George didn't have enough money so he had to borrow from me and I wasn't able to tip the waitress.

ELAINE

Oh no...

GEORGE

(IMITATING ELAINE) "Oh no..." What's so wrong with not tipping? They're required to do their job aren't they? The tip is nothing but a common cliché.

JERRY

But you get a better service when you tip. She's a lot nicer.

GEORGE

I don't care if she's nice or not as long as she serves me what I want.

ELAINE

You know what you have to do, right?

JERRY

No. What?

ELAINE

You have to double-tip her the next time.

JERRY

Double-tip her? Why would I do that?

ELAINE

Because you didn't tip her the last time?

JERRY

Fine. I'll stay.

ELAINE

Great! One down. How 'bout you? You're coming back or not?

GEORGE

I can't. I've told I've gotta go see Wendy.

JERRY

You're really desperate for sex, aren't you?

GEORGE

I'll see you later, okay?

JERRY 

Fine.

GEORGE EXITS THE COFFEE-SHOP AND RUNS AWAY. 

JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AMAZED.

ELAINE

He's fast alright.

JERRY

I hope he still has enough speed for the therapy.

JERRY AND ELAINE RETURN TO THE TABLE WHERE JERRY WAS.

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE.

WAITRESS

What will it be?

ELAINE

Just coffee for me, please.

THE WAITRESS LEAVES.

JERRY

Did you see what just happened here?

ELAINE

What?

JERRY

She didn't ask me what I wanted!

ELAINE

Well, you didn't tell her.

JERRY

I'm not the one who has to tell her. It's part of her job to ask.

ELAINE

But she asked.

JERRY

She asked you.

ELAINE

She asked both of us. She said "What will it be?", remember?

JERRY

But she only looked at you. Like I wasn't here or something.

ELAINE

She did no such thing. You're just resenting her for what happened.

THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINE'S COFFEE.

ELAINE

Thanks.

JERRY

Excuse me?

THE WAITRESS IGNORES JERRY.

JERRY

What about this?

ELAINE

What?

JERRY

I called her. She didn't even look at me.

ELAINE

Technically, you didn't call her.

JERRY

Technically... What was I supposed to say? Excuse me, waitress?

ELAINE

That would be more selective, yes.

JERRY

Do you want me to prove it to you that she's ignoring me?

ELAINE 

Okay. Bring out exhibit A.

JERRY

(TO THE WAITRESS) Hey! Could you come over here for a second please?

THE WAITRESS IGNORES JERRY'S REQUEST.

JERRY

See? She's ignoring me!

ELAINE

Maybe she didn't hear you.

A MAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COFFEE SHOP COUGHS.

THE WAITRESS RUNS TO THE MAN'S TABLE.

WAITRESS

Can I get you anything?

ELAINE

That guy must be a triple-tipper.

JERRY

That's it! She's not getting a double-tip, a simple tip or any kind of previous or past retribution! Not today, not tomorrow, not ever again!

ELAINE

Fine... Whatever makes you happy.

JERRY NOTICES SOMETHING SHINY ON ELAINE'S EARS.

JERRY

What's that?

ELAINE

What's what?

JERRY

That on your ears.

ELAINE

What do you think this is? It's earrings.

JERRY

They look very nice. Who gave you that?

ELAINE

Why did you assume so promptly that this was a gift? You think I can't afford to buy earrings like this?

JERRY

I know you can't.

ELAINE

My boyfriend gave 'em to me. He works at a jewellery store.

JERRY

What's his name?

ELAINE

Frank. Frank Jones.

JERRY

A. k. a.?

ELAINE

No a. k. a. Just Frank Jones.

JERRY

Just Frank Jones. Hum... What's he like?

ELAINE

He's great. He's handsome, strong. (LAUGHS) He's frank!

JERRY 

That doesn't excite me very much. How 'bout the acting part?

ELAINE

Does that excite you?

JERRY

I know what you're capable of. I'm just curious about this new combination.

ELAINE

Well... He's okay. He acts.

JERRY

Okay? You can't fool me. You know that, don't you?

ELAINE

Actually he's very good. He's got stamina, lots of it.

JERRY

But?

ELAINE

He... uh... He plays on both sides.

JERRY

Excuse me?

ELAINE

(BREATHS DEEPLY) He's a bisexual.

JERRY

What? You're telling me you're dating a bisexual guy?

ELAINE

I didn't know he was a bisexual. I only found out afterwards when he introduced me to his friend Jimmy and I saw them kissing each other.

JERRY

What d'you mean ?

ELAINE

They kissed each other on the lips, right in front of me! 

JERRY

Are you gonna break up with him?

ELAINE

I' thinking of giving him a second chance.

JERRY 

Did you kiss him after this event?

ELAINE

Yeah. Once. It felt so strange. His lips tasted like man.

JERRY

Well, you know I've never kissed a man's lips before but I believe that that flavor is due to the fact that he's a man.

ELAINE

No! His lips didn't have the usual flavor! It was Jimmy's flavor! Don't you see?! It's my flavor that's supposed to be in there!

JERRY

(LAUGHING) You poor little girl...

ELAINE

Are you mocking me? You think this is funny? I'm in danger of being dumped for a man! A man, Jerry!

JERRY

Are you jealous of him?

ELAINE

Who?

JERRY

Jimmy.

ELAINE

How could I be jealous of a man?

JERRY 

No need to tell.

ELAINE

What the hell does this guy have that I don't?

JERRY

Maybe you should ask Frank.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV. 

THE DOORBELL RINGS. 

JERRY GETS UP AND PICKS THE RECEIVER.

JERRY

Who is it?

GEORGE (V. O.)

It's me.

JERRY

Come on up.

JERRY PUTS THE RECEIVER DOWN AND SITS ON THE COUCH. 

AFTER A WHILE, GEORGE ENTERS.

GEORGE

Hi...

JERRY

Hi. What's wrong? Have you seen Wendy?

GEORGE

Yeah. I have...

JERRY

And?

GEORGE

We broke up.

JERRY

Really? But I thought everything was fine.

GEORGE

I failed my exam. I was too slow...

JERRY

That's too bad.

GEORGE SITS ON THE COUCH.

GEORGE

You know, none of this would ever happened if Larry hadn't closed Monk's. It's affecting my concentration.

JERRY

He didn't closed Monk's. He just went to Africa to spend a few time with some distant relatives.

GEORGE

That's a great distance, alright. But, he should at least tried to hire someone to replace him while he's away.

JERRY

He'll be back in a week.

GEORGE

Yeah... Meanwhile, my sex life is falling apart.

JERRY

I'm not happy about this either. It's causing nothing but trouble to everyone.

GEORGE

You know what I miss the most? My old seat.

JERRY

I miss my old seat, too but, we mustn't loose our faith. Larry will return.

GEORGE

I guess you're right... So, what did you and Elaine talked about?

JERRY

You know. The usual.

GEORGE

You mean nothing.

JERRY

We talked about her new boyfriend, Frank.

GEORGE

What's wrong with this one? Is he a bad Internal Affairs?

JERRY

No. In fact, I think he's a very good Internal Affairs. A lot more than she had in mind.

GEORGE

What d'you mean?

JERRY

Ah... I don't think I should tell you this.

GEORGE

What're you talking about? You've spiced my curiosity. The least you could is to give me a tip.

JERRY

Well... let's see... He runs from one side of the street to the other.

GEORGE

I got it. He's a double-crosser, hey ? Also known as a bisexual?

JERRY

That was fast.

GEORGE

She didn't know that he was a bisexual?

JERRY

She only found out two days ago.

GEORGE

Yesterday?

JERRY

No. The day before that.

GEORGE

But that's three days.

JERRY

No, that's two days. It would only be three days if I was counting today, which I'm not.

GEORGE

Do you know what's the worst that can happen in a gay relationship?

JERRY

Probably being dumped over for a woman. What's the reaction to that?

GEORGE

No reaction.

JERRY

There's gotta be a reaction. Any reaction.

GEORGE

I've been doing some study and I discovered that the gay principle states that the active gay should look for the women within the passive gay and maybe this woman is more man than a normal man.

JERRY

There's no woman. I was just speaking hypothetically.

GEORGE

I know. But suppose that this woman has the active part in a gay relation ship.

JERRY

How can it be a gay relationship if there's a woman involved?

GEORGE

Maybe it's a straight-gay relationship.

JERRY

There's no such thing as a straight-gay relationship.

GEORGE 

Yes there is. It happens when two people from the opposite sex have a relation but their sexual needs is maintained by people from the same sex.

JERRY

I think this sex therapy really affected you. 

GEORGE

So much for that now...

JERRY

I still don't understand what's the woman doing there.

GEORGE

She's the active part! Is that so hard to understand?

JERRY

How can she be the active part if she's a woman?

GEORGE

Lesbians can be both active and passive too.

JERRY

That's a whole different world. They have other ways of pleasuring themselves. And I don't think that those ways are apply able in a, as you say, straight-gay relationship.

GEORGE

I'm not saying they are. All I'm saying is that if such a relation actually existed, I'm sure there would be ways of satisfaction.

JERRY

Maybe the woman isn't really a woman. Maybe she's an hermaphrodite or a travesty.

GEORGE

That would never work. It's too complicated.

JERRY

Well, just keep your mind focused on something else and it will be fine.

GEORGE

You know something? All this gay talking made me wonder if I'm not gay also.

JERRY

How's that?

GEORGE

Well, when I was going to see Wendy, I had to go to a public urinal.

JERRY

Did someone forced you?

GEORGE

No. I needed to the public urinal, okay? Anyway, I was alone in there, minding my own business when some guy comes in and goes to the urinal right next to me.

JERRY

I don't see anything wrong with that.

GEORGE

Then he began to move his arm very fast.

JERRY

Don't tell me. You peeked, right?

GEORGE

Yes. The guy was moving his arm so fast I thought he was in trouble.

JERRY

What'd you do if he was? Would you gave him a hand?

GEORGE

Very funny. (GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE DOOR) I'm going to the video store. Do you wanna come?

JERRY

Okay... (GETS UP) But you still haven't told what kind of peeking it was. 

GEORGE

What'd you mean?

THEY LEAVE.

CUT TO: 

EXT. STREET. DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WALKING.

JERRY 

So you see, there are three kinds of peeking that apply to your situation. The first one is the "glance-peeking". That's when you look at something for a few seconds and try never to look back again. 

GEORGE

Like a flash.

JERRY

Exactly. The "steady-peeking" is when you're looking at something that repulses you but can't keep your eyes away from it. And the last one, the "looking-back-peeking" is when you look at something that is really disgusting and you try to look the other way but, eventually, you have to look back again.

GEORGE

Do you think I'm gay because I peeked?

JERRY

No. But the fact that you kept your look doesn't help you very much.

GEORGE

It was only a couple of seconds. I didn't see really that much.

JERRY

You wanted to see more?

GEORGE

Of course not! 

JERRY

Well, you know what they say, a lot of things can happen in a couple of seconds.

CUT TO:

INT. ELAINE'S APARTAMENT

ELAINE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, READING A BOOK.

SOMEONE KNOCKS. 

ELAINE'S GETS UP AND GOES TO THE DOOR.

ELAINE

Who is it?

JIMMY (V. O.)

It's Jimmy.

ELAINE OPENS THE DOOR.

ELAINE

Oh! Hi Jimmy!

JIMMY

Hello, Elaine... Is Frank here?

ELAINE

No. I haven't seen him all day. Why?

JIMMY

We were supposed to have dinner this evening.

ELAINE

You were? Well, he didn't tell anything about that. Why don't you call him?

JIMMY

I can't.

ELAINE

You can use my phone if you want.

JIMMY

Thanks, but that won't do any good. I have his cell phone. He left it in my house last night.

ELAINE

I'm really sorry but as you can see I have no idea where he is.

JIMMY

Okay. Thanks anyway.

JIMMY TURNS TO LEAVE. JERRY APPEARS. 

JERRY

Hi.

JIMMY LOOKS AT JERRY AND LEAVES.

JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR.

JERRY

Nice guy. Who's he?

ELAINE

That's Jimmy.

JERRY AND ELAINE SIT ON THE COUCH.

JERRY PICKS UP THE REMOTE CONTROL.

JERRY

What did he want?

ELAINE

He came looking for Frank.

JERRY

Oh... I see.

JERRY SEES A FOLDED PAPER ON THE FLOOR AND PICKS IT UP.

JERRY

Is this yours?

ELAINE

I don't know. Let me see.

JERRY GIVES ELAINE THE PIECE OF PAPER. 

ELAINE UNFOLDS IT.

ELAINE (V. O.)

"Hi, Elaine. I had to make a special delivery. If Jimmy shows up, tell him to wait. I won't be long. Bye, Frank."

ELAINE FOLDS THE PAPER AND TOSSES IT ON THE FLOOR

ELAINE

Oh. It's nothing.

SOMEONE KNOCKS. 

ELAINE GETS UP TO THE DOOR. 

ELAINE

Who is it?

FRANK (V. O.)

It's Frank.

ELAINE OPENS THE DOOR.

ELAINE

Hi, Frank!

FRANK

Hi. 

FRANK TRIES TO KISS ELAINE BUT SHE BACKS AWAY.

FRANK

Who's he?

ELAINE

He's my friend Jerry.

JERRY

Hi.

FRANK

Did you see my note?

ELAINE

What note? Oh! Your note! Yeah... I saw it.

FRANK

Has he been here?

ELAINE

Who?

FRANK

Jimmy, who else?

ELAINE

I don't think so. I would remember that.

FRANK

If he shows up, you know what to do right?

JERRY PICKS THE PIECE OF PAPER AND LOOKS AT IT.

ELAINE

Yeah... 

FRANK TURNS TO LEAVE.

ELAINE (cont'd)

Hey! Where are you going?

FRANK

I'm gonna buy his present. It's his anniversary tonight. We're going to a new restaurant downtown. 

FRANK LEAVES.

ELAINE (V. O.)

I know what to do alright...

ELAINE SITS ON THE COUCH.

JERRY

(HOLDING THE PAPER) Hum... I wonder if this little piece of paper had something to do with what just happened?

ELAINE

Sort of.

JERRY

Why didn't you tell him that Jimmy was here?

ELAINE

Why should I?

JERRY

Yeah. Why should you?

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

JERRY IS WATCHING TV. 

ELAINE ENTERS ABRUPTLY.

ELAINE

This is it! I've made a decision.

JERRY

You're breaking up with him?

ELAINE

Yes.

ELAINE SITS.

JERRY

Somehow, that doesn't surprise me.

ELAINE

Not only that, I'm gonna destroy his entire relationship with Jimmy.

JERRY

Uh... payback. That's evil.

ELAINE

He didn't want to spend the evening with me because he and Jimmy were going out, remember? Not only that, last night, they slept together.

JERRY

How do you know that?

ELAINE

Jimmy told me.

JERRY

Did he tell you if they slept on the same bed?

ELAINE

I don't know if it was the same bed or not. All I know is that it was the same apartment.

JERRY

What were his exact words?

ELAINE

He told me that Frank had left his cell phone there.

JERRY

That doesn't mean anything. You can't assume that they had sex just because he forgot his cell phone there.

ELAINE

I was trying not to think so dramatically.

KRAMER ENTERS IN HIS OWN FASHION AWAY. 

KRAMER IS WEARING A RED CAP.

KRAMER

Hello there.

JERRY

Kramer! Where've you been? I haven't seen you in three days!

KRAMER

I've been memorizing the subway maps.

ELAINE

What for?

KRAMER GOES TO THE REFRIGERATOR AND TAKES A BOTTLE OF WATER.

KRAMER START TO DRINK STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

JERRY

Please don't put your mouth in there!

KRAMER PUTS THE BOTTLE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

KRAMER

It's my first subway-week.

JERRY

What's that?

KRAMER

Just a bunch of people that decided to decrease the city's traffic by using the public transportations more often.

JERRY

No. I mean, what's that on your head?

KRAMER

(TAKES THE CAP OFF) Oh. It's what we use so that the other people know who we are.

JERRY

Do you think they give a damn who you are? You're just a regular freak show to them.

ELAINE

Do you actually believe that five or six people in the subway will help decrease traffic?

KRAMER

Yes. I believe so.

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS MAKING ONE OF HIS PERFORMANCES.

JERRY

Everyone hates traffic. It makes anyone crazy to get three hours by car to reach a place that can be reach in less than one by foot. 

Some people try to help the city by using the subway and, thus, decreasing traffic. But, the only way that their actions could be more perceptive was if people would stop using cars and began to use only public transportations.

I think that would be a greater problem than traffic, y'know? 

You think traffic is bad? No traffic is even worse.

Try to imagine thousands, millions of people, all of a sudden, changing to public transportations. 

Try to imagine that without counting the millions of others that use it every day. It'd be like living in a can of sardines. You'd rather walk, wouldn't you?

CUT TO:

INT. COFFEE SHOP. DAY

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE SITTING ON THE TABLE.

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE AND POUR ELAINE AND GEORGE MORE COFFEE.

THE WAITRESS LEAVES.

JERRY

She still hates me.

ELAINE

She doesn't hate you.

GEORGE

She definitely hates him.

KRAMER ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO THEM. 

KRAMER IS WEARING A PAIR OF KNEE-CAPS.

KRAMER

Hi. (TO THE WAITRESS) Can I get some coffee, please?

GEORGE

What's that for?

KRAMER

It's something I've decided to wear for my protection.

GEORGE

Protection from what?

THE WAITRESS SERVES KRAMER'S COFFEE.

KRAMER

Thanks. Well, I was on the subway this morning, during rush hour and I was sitting with my legs open, y'know. And this guy sits right next to me and opens his legs so widely that I'm forced to close mine.

GEORGE

So?

KRAMER

So? I wanted to have my legs open too! I'm used to have my legs open when I'm sitting. My legs are too big to be closed.

GEORGE

Why didn't you ask him?

KRAMER

Yeah... Maybe I should've turned to him and say (WITH KIDDY VOICE) Hey, mister, could you squeeze your legs just a bit, please?

ELAINE

I think it would be better if you said it like this. (DEEP AND GUTURAL VOICE) HEY! CLOSE YOUR LEGS, YOU SISSY!

JERRY

That could work. (TO KRAMER) There was something else you could do, y'know?

KRAMER

What?

JERRY

Well... You could... open your legs.

KRAMER

No way! What do you think I am? A leg-rustler?

JERRY

Those were your words, not mine.

GEORGE

Why did you use the subway for? Don't you have a car?

KRAMER

I have Jerry's.

ELAINE

He's joined a group of subway fanatics. They're trying to help decrease traffic by using the subway.

GEORGE

That's so naive. And I thought I was the misguided here.

KRAMER

It's an alternative, y'know.

JERRY

I change my underwear every day. That's an alternative.

GEORGE

You're telling me, you'd rather be on a hot subway with lots of sweaty and smelly people rustling you, being unable to breathe, instead of using your car?

JERRY

My car.

KRAMER

If it's for a good cause, yes!

ELAINE

Using the subway is not an alternative. It's like when you're arrested and they sentence to public service.

GEORGE

Y'know, there's another issue here that perhaps no one has ever considered.

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

Well, if what he's saying is true, if he's really helping the community by using the subway, how come he doesn't get pay?

ELAINE

For using the subway?

GEORGE 

He's doing a favor to society. He should get a reward for his actions.

KRAMER

Yeah. I think you're right. But that doesn't matter anyway 'cuz my subway week has ended this morning. Boy! Those people are like animals! It's a jungle! 

ELAINE

I believe you.

JERRY

Just in time for Monk's reopening!

KRAMER

Uh... I don't think so. I called Larry last night.

GEORGE

You made a call to Africa?

KRAMER

I used Jerry's car phone. He will be staying for two more weeks.

JERRY

You used my car phone to make a call to Africa?

KRAMER

I couldn't use my car phone! Those international calls are too expensive! 

JERRY

What're you talking about? You don't even have a car phone!

KRAMER

That's my point.

JERRY

I'm charging you this call, you hear?

KRAMER

I'll pay you back. Don't worry about it.

JERRY

Why should I?

GEORGE

See? I've told you, Jerry. This city is falling apart!

JERRY

Ah... don't be so worried.

GEORGE

Look around you! Look what's happening outside. Larry's absence is affecting the lives of everyone! You're not getting any service here, Kramer is using the subway, Wendy and I broke up...

JERRY

And you're peeking in public urinals.

GEORGE

Elaine's having trouble with her bisexual boyfriend.

ELAINE

So, what else is new? (REALIZES WHAT HAPPENED) What?!

KRAMER WHISTLES.

ELAINE

(TO JERRY) You told him?

JERRY

I didn't tell him anything. He guessed.

ELAINE 

The whole thing?

JERRY 

The whole thing!

ELAINE

Just like that?

JERRY

Just like that!

ELAINE

How could he guess it just like that?

JERRY

I don't know. All I know is that there are some things that lay beyond men's knowledge.

ELAINE

You gave him a clue, didn't you?

JERRY

I might have said something very close to that, yes.

ELAINE

That's it! I'm gonna break up with him!

JERRY 

I thought you already had.

ELAINE

Not yet. But I will soon.

KRAMER

What's his name?

ELAINE

Who? My future ex-boyfriend? Frank.

KRAMER

No no no. His boyfriend's name, what is it?

ELAINE

Jimmy... And he's not his boyfriend, he's just a sex partner.

KRAMER

How can you be so sure? Have you ever seen them kissing in public?

ELAINE

Yeah.

KRAMER

Do they go out very often?

ELAINE

A little.

KRAMER

When you go the theatre, does Jimmy sits right next to him?

ELAINE

Yes!

KRAMER

Then he's not the sex partner, you are. 

ELAINE

I can't be a sex partner! I totally refuse the idea of someone just using me for sex.

JERRY

Why? You do it all the time.

ELAINE

That's different. Women are allowed to choose. Men aren't.

JERRY

Haven't you noticed that he's not a regular man?

ELAINE

I know that but, this issue maintains whether it's a normal man or not.

KRAMER

Is he a bisexual?

ELAINE

I've already told you that.

KRAMER

I meant his boyfriend. Is he just gay or is he a bisexual, too?

ELAINE

I don't know... Sometimes he looks at me in a very strange way.

KRAMER

Like what?

ELAINE

Like this. (TWISTS HER EYES) See?

KRAMER

That's hot! He wants you!

ELAINE 

What makes you say that?                 

KRAMER

Because of the look he gave you. 

JERRY

Either that or he's a cross-eyed.

KRAMER

Why don't you three consider a trio?

ELAINE

That's completely out of the question.

KRAMER

It could help you to find new forms of pleasure.

GEORGE

Simultaneously.

JERRY

That sex therapist was really good. Too bad you broke up.

ELAINE

I'm perfectly happy as a straight monogamist woman, thank you very much.

JERRY

As long as he's not a bisexual...

ELAINE (cont'd)

But, anyway, that won't make much of a difference after I'm through with my plan.

KRAMER 

Wait a minute. What plan?

JERRY

She wants to get even on Frank and Jimmy by destroying their relationship.

KRAMER 

(TO ELAINE) Are you serious about this?

ELAINE

Deadly serious! 

KRAMER

Have you actually considered the results of your actions?

ELAINE

Of course I have.

KRAMER

You're willing to destroy a good, healthy gay relationship and for what? Spite?

ELAINE

Yeah! Spite!

KRAMER

What kind of a woman are you?

ELAINE

A straight woman.

ELAINE PUTS A NOTE ON THE TABLE, GETS UP AND LEAVES.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET. OUTSIDE ELAINE'S APARTMENT. DAY

ELAINE ARRIVES TO HER BUILDING. 

FRANK AND JIMMY ARE WAITING FOR HER.

ELAINE

Hi... Did you have a nice meal and a good night sex, I mean sleep?

JIMMY

As a matter of fact, we had.

FRANK

Let me do the talking, okay? Elaine, I'm gonna be straight with you.

ELAINE (V. O.)

Yeah, right!

FRANK

It's over.

ELAINE (v. O.)

You're damn right it's over!

FRANK 

We're getting married.

ELAINE (v. O.)

Oh my god...

JIMMY

That's right. So we'd appreciate it if you'd stop bothering us.

ELAINE

Fine. No problem.

FRANK

Goodbye Elaine. Best of luck.

FRANK AND JIMMY WALK AWAY HOLDING HANDS.

ELAINE

Have a nice honey moon! You anticipating bastards...

ELAINE ENTERS THE BUILDING.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY 

JERRY IS LYING ON THE COUCH, WATCHING TV.

THE PHONE RINGS. JERRY ANWSERS THE PHONE.

JERRY

Hello? Oh! Hi, Elaine. 

CUT TO:

INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. DAY

ELAINE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE.

ELAINE

I just bumped into a happy couple.

JERRY (V. O.)

Oh. Did your plan work?

ELAINE

No. They anticipated it. Frank broke up with me before I could anything. They're getting married.

JERRY (V. O.)

What're you talking about? 

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY

You didn't have that much of a relation. You were nothing but a sex object to me.

ELAINE (V. O.)

Thank you so much for cheering me up.

JERRY

I guess that's the end of your plan.

ELAINE (V. O.)

Not yet. 

JERRY

You have something on your mind ?

ELAINE (V. O.)

I'll think of something. Okay. I gotta go. I'll see you at Monk's so that we can talk.

JERRY

Why don't you want to call on the phone? Isn't this line safe?

ELAINE (V. O.)

I think so.

JERRY

Then why can't we talk?

CUT TO:

INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. DAY

ELAINE 

Because I'm paying the call, okay? Bye, Jerry.

ELAINE HANGS UP.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY HANGS UP. 

KRAMER SLIDES IN.

KRAMER

I've just talked to Larry.

JERRY

You used my car phone again?

KRAMER

I'll said I'll pay you.

JERRY

Yeah right... So, what did he say?

KRAMER

He said that he'll be back in a few days.

JERRY

But you said that he would be staying there for two more weeks.

KRAMER

I guess he's missing this.

JERRY

How can anyone miss this?

KRAMER 

Got anything to eat?

KRAMER GOES TO THE REFRIGERATOR. 

JERRY

There's some Chinese leftovers there. Help yourself.

GEORGE ENTERS.

GEORGE

Hi.

JERRY

Hey.

GEORGE

Did you talk to Elaine?

JERRY

Yes.

KRAMER

(TALKING WITH HIS MOUTH FULL) What happened?

GEORGE AND JERRY LOOK AT EACH OTHER UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT KRAMER JUST SAID.

JERRY

It didn't work out. Frank broke up with Elaine before she could do anything.

GEORGE

So, the guy is a bisexual and an anticipator? What a combination.

KRAMER

(MORE CLEAR) What's she gonna do now?

JERRY

I don't know. but I think that's the least of your concerns.

JERRY WALKS SLOWLY TOWARDS KRAMER.

KRAMER STEPS BACK.

KRAMER

What d'you mean?

JERRY

I mean, I want my money back. Now.

KRAMER

Jerry, I said I'll pay you.

JERRY 

I don't wanna hear any promises!

KRAMER

You know me. I'm your friend, Jerry. I'm your friend.

JERRY

Don't apologize! Get out and go get my money or you're gonna feed the fish!

KRAMER

But you don't have a fish.

JERRY

Are you mocking me?

KRAMER IS QUIET FOR A SECOND THEN STARTS TO LAUGH HISTERICALLY.

KRAMER

Y'know, for a moment I thought you were serious. You're funny, Jerry. You're a very funny man.

JERRY

(PICKS KRAMER'S NOSE) You think I'm funny? You're saying I amuse you? Do you wanna see me losing my temper???

KRAMER SHAKES HIS HEAD IN TOTAL DISAGREEMENT.

JERRY

(LETS GOT KRAMER'S NOSE) Then go get my money now!

KRAMER EXITS RUNNING.

JERRY LOOKS TO A STUNNED GEORGE.

JERRY

And as for you, you bold dwarf...

GEORGE TRIES TO BACK AWAY BUT, HE'S ALREADY AGAINST THE WALL.

GEORGE

What about me?

JERRY BEGINS TO LAUGH.

JERRY 

Did you see the look on his face?

GEORGE

What got into you? You looked like a gangster?

JERRY

I saw "GOODFELLAS" last night.

GEORGE

Oh. Scorsese right? With Joe Pesci and that other guy.

JERRY

Yeah. 

GEORGE

Who's the other guy?

JERRY

I can't remember.

KRAMER ENTERS AGAIN.

JERRY

You're back already? Do you have my money?

KRAMER

No. But I know how to get it.

JERRY

I don't care how you get it. Just get it.

KRAMER

Okay. But I need one of your receipts from the car phone company.

JERRY

What d'you need that for?

KRAMER

I'm gonna make a phony copy of it but I'm gonna add these two calls.

JERRY

But you made the calls this month.

KRAMER

But if I show them the last month's receipt with these two calls they're gonna try to trace the calls and they won't find 'em.

JERRY

So?

KRAMER

Isn't it obvious? If they can't locate the calls, it means they were never done, right? They'll have to return me the money.

JERRY

Don't you think they have their own copy there?

KRAMER

Well, that's a risk I'm gonna have to take.

JERRY

Take whatever risks you want. Just remember one thing - if you're caught, I never saw in my life.

KRAMER

Giddy up!

KRAMER EXITS AGAIN.

GEORGE

You think he's gonna make it?

JERRY

Yes. And next time I'll go to the coffee shop, that waitress is gonna serve me.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR PHONE STORE. DAY

KRAMER WALKS TO THE COUNTER.

ASSISTANT #1

Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?

KRAMER TAKES OUT A FOLDED SHEET FROM HIS POCKET AND UNFOLDS IT.

KRAMER

Hi. I have this receipt here from last month and I've noticed that there are two internationals calls made without my knowledge.

ASSISTANT #1

Did you make those calls?

KRAMER

No.

ASSISTANT #1

Do you know who did?

KRAMER 

No. 

ASSISTANT #1

Do you want me to check if those calls were made from your car phone?

KRAMER

Er... No need to do that. I just want the money.

ASSISTANT #1

I see. May I take a look at the receipt, please?

KRAMER

Sure.

KRAMER GIVES THE RECEIPT TO THE ASSISTANT #1. 

THE ASSISTANT #1 LOOKS AT THE RECEIPT AND HITS A FEW KEYS ON HER KEYBOARD.

FRANK ENTERS THE STORE AND GOES TO THE COUNTER.

FRANK 

Hi. I'd like to buy a phone, please.

ASSISTANT #2

Certainly sir.

CUT TO: 

INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. DAY

ELAINE IS SITTING ON HER COUCH, WRITTING SOMETHING.

THE FLOOR IS FULL OF PAPERS. 

ELAINE RIPS THE PAPER INTO TINY BITS.

ELAINE

Ah!!!!! 

CUT TO:

INT. CAR PHONE STORE. DAY

ASSISTANT #1

Well, Mr. Seinfeld, I sent your request to my superiors. They're going to make an evaluation of your case and they'll contact you in twenty four hours.

KRAMER

I can't wait twenty four hours. I need the money now.

ASSISTANT

I'm sorry sir, but you're going to have to wait.

ASSISTANT #2 SHOWS FRANK SEVERAL PHONES.

KRAMER

But I need it now! I can't go home without the money! 

ASSISTANT

I'm sorry. But there's really nothing I can do.

KRAMER LOOKS AROUND HIM AND SEES FRANK'S WALLET ON THE COUNTER.

KRAMER GRABS THE WALLET AND RUNS AWAY.

FRANK 

Hey! That guy stole my wallet!

FRANK RUNS AFTER KRAMER BUT, HE'S BLOCKED BY THE SECURITY GUARD.

SECURITY GUARD

You have to pay that before you leave.

FRANK

He stole my wallet! Do something! Go after him!

SECURITY GUARD

That's not my job.

FRANK 

That's not your job?! Okay! I'll go after him!

SECURITY GUARD

I'm sorry sir but, I cannot let you go. You'll have to wait for the police to get here.

FRANK

When the police gets here he'll be long gone!

SECURITY GUARD

That's not my problem.

FRANK 

I'm gonna sue you!

SECURITY GUARD

Whatever...

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. 

KRAMER ENTERS AND TOSSES SOME MONEY ON HIM.

JERRY

What's this?

KRAMER

There's your money! Can I come back now?

JERRY

Kramer! How did you get this? Don't tell me your plan worked.

KRAMER

Almost.

JERRY

What d'you mean "almost"?

KRAMER

Well, I went to the car phone store and I explained my situation to the assistant. So, she examined the receipt and told me that I would have to wait for twenty four hours.

THE BUZZER GOES OFF.

JERRY PICKS THE RECEIVER.

JERRY

Hello?

GEORGE (V. O.)

It's me.

JERRY

Come on up. So, how did you managed to get the money?

KRAMER

A guy standing next to me put his wallet on the counter and so I grabbed it and ran away.

JERRY

You took his wallet?

KRAMER 

Yeah. But once I get the money from the car phone company, I'll send his money back to him.

JERRY

You really think they're gonna return the money?

KRAMER

I think so.

JERRY

But they're not!

KRAMER

Well, that's too bad for him. 

JERRY

Who is this guy, anyway?

GEORGE ENTERS.

GEORGE

Hi.

KRAMER

His name is Frank Jones.

JERRY

Frank Jones?

GEORGE

Hey. Isn't the name of Elaine's ex-boyfriend?

JERRY

Yeah. (TO KRAMER) Do you have a picture of him?

KRAMER

Yeah, I do. 

KRAMER TAKES FRANK'S WALLET FROM HIS POCKET AND PICKS OUT FRANK'S I. D. CARD.

KRAMER GIVES THE I. D. TO JERRY.

JERRY

That's him! That's the guy!

GEORGE 

Let me see it.

JERRY GIVES THE I. D. TO GEORGE.

GEORGE

Oh my god... (SITS ON THE COUCH) This can't be true...

JERRY

What is it? D'you know him?

GEORGE

He... er... he was the guy I peeked at the urinal.

KRAMER

You did what?

GEORGE 

I only glanced for a second, okay?

KRAMER

Why didn't you tell me you were gay, George? 

GEORGE

Because I'm not!

KRAMER

I thought we were friends.

GEORGE

We're friends as long as I'm not gay.

KRAMER

Wanna be more than friends? Y'know, I have a cousin...

GEORGE

I'm not interested!

KRAMER

I think you gonna like him. He's very sensitive. Just like you.

GEORGE

Shut up!

KRAMER

Do you want me to fix a date with you two?

GEORGE TRIES TO STRANGLE KRAMER.

JERRY

Stop that! Go kill yourselves outside. I don't want any corpses lying in here! 

GEORGE CALMS DOWN.

GEORGE

I'm sorry, Jerry. I have to go now.

GEORGE EXITS.

KRAMER

Man! These short people can be very peculiar...

JERRY

No doubt about that.

KRAMER

Okay, I have to go now. I'll see tonight at Monk's, okay?

JERRY

(ENLIGHTENED) Larry's back?

KRAMER

He's back!

JERRY

He's back?

KRAMER

He's back, Jerry!

KRAMER HITS THE DOOR WITH HIS HEAD AND EXITS.

JERRY RUNS TO THE WINDOW AND YELLS OUT.

JERRY

Larry's back!

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET. DAY

GEORGE LOOKS UP AND SEES JERRY ON THE WINDOW.

JERRY

(YELLING) Larry's back! Larry's back!

GEORGE BEGINS TO YELL AND JUMPING ON THE SIDEWALK.

GEORGE

Larry's back! Larry's back!

CUT TO:

INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

ELAINE IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. 

SHE IS COVERED WITH PAPER.

THE PHONE RINGS.

ELAINE WAKES UP AND ANSWERS IT.

ELAINE

Er... hi. Oh. Hi, Jerry. I was just... What? He's back? I'll be right there!

ELAINE HANGS UP.

ELAINE

He's back!

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S NIGHT

JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE AND KRAMER ARE SITTING ON THEIR OLD SPOT.

JERRY

Oh! This is so good!

GEORGE

What a relief!

KRAMER

Oh mama!

ELAINE 

I still can't believe this! Things are finally back to normal.

GEORGE

Whatever that is.

JERRY

So, tell me Elaine, did your plan B work? 

ELAINE

No, I couldn't come up with anything except for a painful wrist. 

KRAMER

Are you gonna see him again?

ELAINE

Not very likely.

KRAMER

(TAKES FRANK'S WALLET FROM HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO ELAINE) Well, if you do, you give him this, okay?

ELAINE

Where did you get this?

KRAMER

It's a very long story.

JERRY 

I still can't believe that they actually bought your story.

KRAMER

You know me. I can be very persuasive.

ELAINE

Don't worry about this, Kramer. I'll make sure he gets this.

ELAINE PUTS FRANK'S WALLET IN HER BAG.

GEORGE

Okay... Let's order.

JERRY

Who wants a burger?

THEY RAISE THEIR HANDS.

JERRY

I see we have an unanimous vote.

THE WAITRESSA APPROACHES THE TABLE.

WAITRESS

What will it be?

JERRY

Four burgers, please.

WAITRESS

I can only make three.

THEY LOOK AT THE WAITRESS.

IT'S THE SAME WAITRESS FROM THE OTHER COFFEE SHOP.

JERRY

Oh no! It's you!

END CREDITS

CUT TO: 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS MAKING ONE OF HIS PERFORMANCES.

JERRY

I was on a subway station the other day and I was looking for something when I saw a map in Braille, y'know, so that blind people are able to know where things are. That made sense to me. 

What I didn't understand was how were they supposed to find the map? What's a map good for if I don't know where it is? How do they know that there's a map there in the first place? 

I think that if I was a blind man looking for something on a subway station, I wouldn't ask someone for the map, I would go straight to the main question. 

What's so special about that map, anyway? Does it say how many steps I have to take? 

Maybe if I go the map I'll read something like this:

"Turn around thirty five degrees south, walk twenty large steps or forty five short steps and once you hear the doors opening, jump in."

THE END


End file.
